So Bad They're Good...

The year is 1983... my parents are out for the evening. I am babysitting my two sisters and I couldn't be happier... we have HBO! AND it's Friday night... and that means: Rated "R" Movies! And not just any rated "R" movies, but rated "R"- "B-Movies!!!" My youngest sister would want to watch something else, but we'd promise her that there would be "Boobies and Butts" in it and she would watch patiently and scream and laugh when flesh hit the screen!

Those were the good ol' days. I think I must have seen just about every 80's B-Movie ever... you know the genre: the "zany hi-jinx of sex-crazed teenagers looking to score." They just don't make'em like they used to. Luckily, many are still available on VHS or better yet DVD. Here are my "Top Five So Bad They're Good 80's B-Movie Classics."

The Last American Virgin

My favorite 80's movie of ALL TIME... and what a soundtrack: The Cars, The Police, Devo, REO Speedwagon, Journey, The Commodores... Holy Crap! What I love about this movie is that you think it's just gonna be another mindless teenage T&A sex romp flick (which it is), but then it filters in this real downer story that you never see coming! The film is about three friends (Gary, Rick, and David) who are always trying to score. A new girl "Karen" (played by Diane Franklin, who would later go on to play "Monique" in "Better Off Dead") comes into town and Gary immediately falls for her (it's pretty evident Gary is gay in real life- but try to suspend your disbelief!). Anyhow, the rub is Karen falls for Gary's friend Rick. It's obvious that Rick just wants to get laid, and it's driving Gary crazy. Rick ends up a real asshole when he dumps Karen after he gets her pregnant. Gary comes to the rescue, sells a bunch of his stuff to pay for her abortion, takes care of her, and it looks like he's gonna get his girl. At the end, Karen has a birthday party and Gary has bought her an engraved heart necklace. He is totally excited to give it to her. He walks into the kitchen and there is Karen... in an embrace with RICK! WHAT A BITCH!!! Gary leaves the house, drives away, and the credits roll as he cries... A SHOCKING ENDING... best 80's movie ever.

Best Line: (This takes place at school when during gym, there is a contest to see who has the biggest penis...)
David: "Everybody put in a buck. And the man who's got the biggest tool, He's the one who wins the pool."

Fast Times At Ridgemont High


Sean Penn plays comedy relief as Jeff Spicolli and takes most of the credit for this 80's classic... BUT... everybody knows the REAL scene stealer is smokin' Phoebe Cates in her legendary topless pool scene! For those of you who don't remember, Judge Reinhold is fantasizing (in the bathroom) that Phoebe is coming out of the pool walking towards him... undressing. As he fantasizes, he begins to pleasure himself. His fantasy (and ours!) ends abruptly when the real Phoebe walks in on Judge stroking it... Classic!

Best song in the film: "Somebody's Baby" by Jackson Browne.

My Favorite Line in the film:
Jefferson's Brother: "Seen the new playboy?"
Spicoli: "Good?"
Jefferson's Brother: "Bo Derek's tits!"
Spicoli: "All right!"
Jefferson's Brother: "I like sex."

I love it! Who wrote this script, anyway?!!! Here are some other good lines...

Valley Girl

For those of you not old enough to remember and appreciate the 80's, I highly recommend this film. It truly captures the feel and essence of early 80's Hollywood... reminds me of how I used to ditch school and spend the day on (then Punk Rock) Melrose Avenue (long before the Gap and Urban Outfitters opened stores there!).

The film is an 80's take on "Rebel Without a Cause" as "Punk Rocker" Randy (Nicolas Cage) falls for "Valley Girl" Julie (Deborah Foreman) much to the dismay of Julie's ex-boyfriend "Prepster" Tommy. The film features amazing lines such as "I’m totally not in love with you anymore, Tommy," and is backed by a tubular soundtrack featuring The Plimsouls (A Million Miles Away), Josie Cotton (Johnny Are You Queer, Boy), and the soundtrack standout Modern English's "I'll Melt With You."

It's a well-preserved piece of 80's nostalgia.

Best Nudie Shot: E.G. Daily going topless. WOOO!

Biggest Mistake in Film: At the end of the movie, Randy and Julie are heading for the Valley Sheraton... SUPPOSEDLY! Problem is, the limo they are in is going South on the 405 headed out of the Valley and towards Santa Monica. oops.

Up The Creek

Relatively unknown, this was definitely one of those films you'd see late night on HBO or pick up at your local "Video Library" (ooo boy- I'm dating myself with that one!) Anyhow, Tim Matheson (Otter from "Animal House") appears once again as a college frat loser "Bob" who has to compete in a river rafting race or face being kicked out of school. It has a "Revenge of The Nerds" feel to it or maybe more like "Animal House on water" as Bob and his team of misfits (along with Chuck the Wonder Dog) compete against the succesful preppie jocks. There are some great lines in the film such as “Well well well, what is this- the meetings of the assholes of America?" and “Look at my thumb-(punches the guy)- Gee You’re dumb.” It mixes sex and comedy with some pretty cool river rafting with the climactic ending of Bob's raft taking on a huge waterfall.

Best part about the movie: "Heather," Bob's love interest. She is played by none other than Jennifer Runyon whom you might remember as Cindy Brady in the heartwarming family classic "A Very Brady Christmas."

Revenge Of The Nerds

A classic tale of a group of "nerds" who are fed up with being bullied by "The Jocks..." I remember the first time I saw this. I was babysitting for a family friend, and they rented it for me to watch. I was expecting a film full of "Boobies and Butts," but was blown away when in the film Booger proclaims: "This is bullshit. I want Bush. Pan down." And the camera goes on to expose a girl COMPLETELY NUDE! Whoa... that was a big deal at the time for a teenage boy!

And not only did it show FULL FRONTAL NUDITY, but was also funny as hell. There are so many good lines in the film, I may save them for a future blog entry on the "Best Lines In Revenge of the Nerds."

In the meantime.. Here's my favorite scene (the scenario is the two main nerds (Louis & Gilbert) are talking and their crude friend "Booger" overhears):
Gilbert: I met a girl.
Louis: Gilbert…
Gibert: Her name’s Judy.
Louis: Judy’s a nice name Gilbert.
Gilbert: Yeah, she’s a nice girl.
Booger: Big deal. Did you get in her pants?
Gilbert: She’s not that kind of girl, Booger.
Booger: Why? Does she have a penis?!

I need not say more.

For more information on these and other bad movies, check out this cool site.

Oh by the way, What are your favorite bad movies?