Dial-A-Cliche

I used to be in a band. Sadly I became a statistic as I fell into the category of bands who were on the cusp of greatness only to have their dreams ripped away due to internal band struggles...

Bitter? Maybe a little.

I've retired now, as I didn't want to become another statistic: that of the aging musician who still thinks he has a shot. Fuck that.

Anyhow, I still have a lot of contact with people in bands, and I still hear the same bullshit spewing from the mouths of those who would "rather be famous than righteous or holy... anyday anyday anydayayay."

Here's my top five list of things about bands and people in bands that really annoy me...

"We're in the Studio"
Ever notice when you ask a musician what he's been up to you get the standard "Well, we're in the studio right now recording?" That is such a load of crap! What he's really saying basically is "We're crap and have nothing going on." I don't know why people in bands are so afraid to just say they are in a lull! There aren't enough studios in the world to handle the amount of bands who are allegedly recording at the moment...

Connections
Ever hear "We're totally connected, man?" What that really means is "Our drummer's Dad works with a guy whose son's ex-wife's brother's girlfriend's cousin knows a guy who knows the roadie for the Midwest State Fair tour of REO Speedwagon and Styx minus Dennis Deyoung."

Heh.

"Let's Jam"
I hate band jargon. I could kill just about anyone who says to me: "We should get together and jam sometime." Actually, people who say that would probably say: "We should get together and jam sometime, Brother!" This is the same type of person who will close their eyes when they play guitar to "feel the music," share a microphone for backing vocals, and face their fellow band member and play their instruments at each other- inches apart ... you know what I mean... like this:


Fucking musicians, man.

Band Biographies
If there's one thing I can't stand but enjoy reading all the same, it's a band bio. Chock-full of cliche's, bands try to prove just how original they are by claiming to have the ever important "Sound All Their Own," "Pop Sensibilities," and don't forget the reference to becoming "The Next Big Thing."

Christ.

Influences
And the worst part is when you ask bands who they sound like, or if you read their bio's, they rarely ever mention the bands they REALLY sound like. They try to be a bit more obscure so as to be cooler or something... at the same time not giving credit to the bands they have TOTALLY RIPPED OFF! If you like a band enough to copy them, why not give them credit? If you sound like Joy Division, Talking Heads, Gang of Four, or The Cure (just about every new band these days!), FUCKING SAY SO!

Aw, what the hell do I know anyway? I'm just a bitter ex-musician.

What do you hate about people in bands?